Time

How were you okay with the little amount of time you had here on earth? I feel like everyday I am begging the universe to slow down so I can enjoy it a little more. To breath in and out. I find every week goes by in the blink of an eye and yet every week I am shown evidence of time passing by the dust on everything and the need to vacuum, clean, purge and tidy. I seem to be in battle with time always these days. 62 days left before a part of me is in Nepal, Bangladesh and India and oh for so long. So I tell myself, enjoy these days...no pressure, don't think of tomorrow, think of today and then a week goes by and I feel like slapping myself for letting little things be big and missing the whole point. but then I try to remember how lucky I am to have this part of me at all and the only way to truly have something is to let it go and be kind to yourself. I am also learning to be honest, not the kind of honest where you don't tell lies, I've always known that. I don't have to be strong all the time and I can show what I'm really feeling, because lets face it, I'm a terrible actress unless I'm acting the part of "open book" and the content of this book can be what ever it is in whichever moment in time.
So how did you do it nana? When I had you to ask questions, I was too young, too invincible and completely unaware of "time" passing at all. I just had the moment in December where I realized that one day I would be dead....DEAD! like not the dead we see on t.v or read in books, where we close that book or turn off the t.v and continue...DEAD...finito...DEAD. no more me. You'd think I'd be more like you and laugh and love and stop this battle with time...but no, I panic. like, go to the doctor and tell them, my chest has been heavy for 2 weeks, I can't breath and I do not know whats wrong with me kind of panic. So we go snowboarding and play in the mountains together at his parents place and I forget about death and just live and breath, in and out and life continues, happily, because I am happy...and not the kind you see on t.v or read in books because I'm living it, and I'm overflowing with joy and love and everything I've always done my whole life except this past year has been with the One we're supposed to find when we find ourselves, and the mornings are filled with a quiet warmth. He reminds me that there must be something out there after we're "gone"...love is not on the periodic table, its infinite.