Allowing Love Back Into My Life...without her

I am pretty sure I held onto a dysfunctional relationship for so long for a couple of reasons. One, I was too busy grieving. Two, I was afraid to change my life without her around. I wanted everything to stay the same for her. Quite frankly, I was addicted to the sadness, anger, numbness, lack of love, lost sense of self in this relationship because I wasn't ready to move on and live my life to the fullest if nana was not there to share it with me. She left me in this world when I was in this relationship probably hoping that it would work and I was going to make sure that happened for her even if it wasn't for me anymore. I didn't matter anyway. This relationship helped to fuel all the grief I felt for her. I also know that I am a very loyal, stubborn person who likes to prove people wrong, apparently even at the cost of my own heart. This is very hypocritical because I say I'm honest, genuine, but then the way I lived my life, it was a lie, I was lying to myself. I didn't want anyone to see that I was doing this, so I shut as many people out of my life as I could. I was ashamed and I didn't want to get caught in my lie because then I would have to face it and I wasn't ready to face it.

I had my moments though, when I went for walks alone with my dog. One moment in particular, I asked for her opinion. I asked her if she thought I was staying in the relationship for her. The wind picked up at that moment with such force and I felt so moved. and as quickly as the wind picked up, it died. I do believe in messages.

After that, I started praying the rosary. I prayed it everyday for at least a half hour to an hour. I prayed it with so much energy, so much hope to find a sign, a path to the life God wanted me to lead. I didn't care what that life was, I could be a nun, or stay in the relationship, if I had his stamp of approval on it, I would live without the uncertainty that something else out there was better.

I was surprised though by his answer. after a month of praying, I felt a shift in my heart. and I was scared. I knew the answer, but I was so afraid. I knew I must leave the relationship, leave everything and that was not what I was expecting to hear, since this relationship took my blood, sweat and tears and years of my energy and years off my life. I took solace that I was leaving to work on myself. Something I had never done before and with the purpose of helping myself and no one else for once.

During this time of prayer, I was suddenly in desperate need of an assistant for a wedding. Nobody could do it. I literally called 30 people. I finally got the nerve to call up someone I had met a couple years before in physiotherapy. I didn't want to call him though because I felt a connection to him and I did not want to bring anything else into my life at that moment. but after 30 tries with other people, I caved. I called him. He was available.

When he showed up at the park to help me shoot the wedding, the world stopped for a moment and something significant passed between he and I. Of course, I denied it. I'm the worlds biggest liar to myself. but when I talked to my mother the next week on skype, I started crying for 2 hours wondering how some guy can literally walk into my life and shake it like that. However, I continued on and focused on myself. but what I realized that day was that perhaps there is more in store for me, that I do deserve and can have great things too.

I do not need to go into detail about what happened between he and I...but along the way, I fell in love. I had a smile on my face again. I was actually loved back too, for who I truly was. I found someone who was a kindred spirit, a kind face with an amazing heart, someone who loved and cherished his family and close friends, someone who has as much thirst for adventure as I do, if not more, someone I can dance with anywhere. I am no longer addicted to sadness and know that my nana would approve of this change, as my family so openly has, she wants me to be happy, and I need to live my life for me now. It is only through this purpose that I can be of any service to others. To have the open heart, the open arms to have people in my life again. To finally DO the things I love once again and live in each moment. Love really does conquer all.

Telling The Story

I started journaling my grief July 14, 2007. I have posted everything I wrote in the raw form, although I omitted some viscous venting for your sake. It is not poetic, and it is not grammatically correct and often when I read it, the thoughts are so disjointed, random, but that is my grief. It is not pretty or in perfect form or all that powerful really, perhaps it doesn't even belong on a public blog and I still debate with myself whether or not I should have left the words on the yellow blotchy notepad as they were, private. But something compelled me to speak these words out loud and I no longer hesitate in my life. Life is too short for hesitation and if I am compelled by something (I believe this power is from God, the Universe) than I should not live in fear, but take the leap because you never know where it is going to take you and that is a good thing. Life SHOULD be an adventure and if you have people to share that adventure with, all the better. Cherish them always. Love them with all of your heart, do not hesitate to do this even when you feel vulnerable as if you could just break with the love of them and the fear of losing them, love them anyway.

Mood changes

This journey is smooth at one moment and rocky the next. I feel often that I'm regressing rather than progressing, but working through this is actually bringing more emotions back. I am now learning and realizing what is happening, I am letting myself release.

Self-Focus and Roommates

I had a roommate scream at me and accuse me of being selfish. My whole life I have given, I always gave myself up. I was the do-gooder, the peace-maker. She moved in with me right after my nana died. I wasn't this selfish person, I was still the do-gooder but this time, I resented it. I resented my roommates for needing me. I didn't want to provide for them, care for them, clean for them and buy things for them anymore. I made this VERY clear and they hated me for it, so I moved out, and my last day there, one of them yelled, "YOU ARE SELFISH" and that hurt me so bad because I am not. I needed them and I needed to be taken care of so I could focus inward, but that opportunity never came and I became obsessed with being angry and creating schedules and divvying up responsibility because I didn't want to do it all. I didn't say, "I AM SAD! HELP ME! I NEED YOU! please take some of the responsibilities because I just can't do it anymore" I wished I opened up this way with them because perhaps they would have had I let them.

I am Not Crazy

I thought I was going crazy, literally, insane! Actually, it wasn't until I truly believed something was wrong with me that I started healing. I finally cried out for help at this moment of insanity, I couldn't take it anymore, I couldn't take not understanding, not knowing who I was, I was sick! Sick of numbness, fatigue, apathy, lost identity, insanity. At this this point I cried but I was suffering in silence, than someone came along, my aunty Sherry with Dr. Wolfelt's book. Finally, some hope and reassurance. A flicker of light.

Relief and Release

My Nana was always sick but she was a rare case. I didn't understand her disease and therefore, I never knew when or how she would die. I never asked, my nana was stubborn and denied her illness, she was living to life's fullest even though this disease, COPD was killing her. I never mourned her dying when she was alive because I didn't really know she would and so, felt if I expressed my sadness to her, I'd lose control and lose the 'living' relationship we had. yes, her body was abused, her oxygen intake was increasing and so many more things. But I thought she would do what she had always done, be stubborn, keep living, keep beating the odds, keep surprising the doctors she was sitting in their office, alive, she was a medical miracle, that meant she should still be here.

Her body failed her in so many ways and so when I went to view her body (she always said she never wanted us to do that, but I just needed to, otherwise, who knows if I'd believe it was true to this day) I knew she was somewhere better, her body wasn't holding her back, I felt her say to me in the room "Finally! I'm free of this STUPID body" But that body had contained her very soul for so long and I was sad to see it was no longer there anymore, that body was not her anymore, the loss of her soul changed everything. This realization of her loss broke me. Yet I felt her relief but loss for me, no relief for me, none. I felt selfish.

Sadness and Depression

I have the Right to be sad. According to the ideas in Dr. Wolfelt's book,

Culture: Physical illness is beyond control, but emotional is my fault.

Truth: Sadness is a symptom of my wound, they require attention just as physical wounds do.

I need Tyler to listen more, whenever I speak up, he's explaining, fixing, but I just need a place to express, I don't want to learn or listen or fix. I have the capacity to learn from myself and what I am saying. I know he will be there for me once he understands what I need. I didn't know what I needed either.

Guilt

Yes. I've been guilty my whole life. Since Childhood I've felt the weight of responsibility for the world, my family, things I can't control. Maybe guilt and pleasing people go hand in hand.

I did at one point have an awful dark thought when my nana was alive. At the time, I was feeling guilty for having such a busy life and felt relief at the thought she would no longer be here one day and how I wouldn't feel guilty anymore or responsible to her. This was just a flashing thought, but I wish I never felt that and hate that my thought came true...its not how I imagined it would be. I miss her.

Explosive

I have a hard time with letting my emotions out. I've been telling myself its not appropriate. My boyfriend (in 2007) feels scared when I do and can't and will not tolerate that kind of behaviour from me. Hearing it though should be okay and I will talk to him. I will admit though that I've been physical before with throwing objects and slamming doors, I can understand that I shouldn't cause harm but I didn't realize I was causing myself harm from not allowing myself to feel and express emotion, explosive or not, because I thought my feelings were wrong and only rational, logical thoughts were acceptable behaviour.

Chaos and Yearning

I am still at this point immersed in chaos. I've always had trouble staying organized but I've always been a focused and driven person, but after I couldn't keep track of anything, I had a hard time keeping up with my business and having the desire to care about it. I didn't want to do photography and felt it was a world away from who I was in the moment...nobody! I had no feelings, personality, joy, desire, I was numb.

Life was happening all around me and I couldn't keep up or find a reason to try. In my mind, I knew who I was before and knew what I must do to keep going, but couldn't, just couldn't.

Every time I tried, I failed. I used to love doing self portraits but each time I tried, you could see my fatigue, my loss of youth, vitality, strength was nothing but a muted shadow of the girl I used to be. The loss of who I am was too much to take. My whole life and who I am has changed.

I used to freak out when I drove my old Golf because the constant beeping drove me crazy after she died, I couldn't take the personal harassment my car was making, (I would scream at it but it persisted) it was unjust and so, I traded it in and bought a $40,000 car so that I would have No personal assaults from it. I think I didn't need to do that and now I"m selling it because the payments are too much and I am positive it is a lemon, yet no one will listen to me.

I often have dreams where my nana visits me and I feel her presence when I"m awake, I've even heard her speak to me. One night after dreaming, I felt her wake me up, she was stroking my face and said "with kisses and sunshine, Hugs and Love" I felt so moved.

I've been de-cluttering my life and even gave away some things that were given to me, I can't handle the clutter in my life. I have a few meaningful objects that reminds me of her and those are enough for me. I don't care about the stuff, I just want her back.

I find the more I clean and give away, the more order I can bring to my life.

I've always had anxiety attacks but they have been the worst right now.

Feeling of Loss

I still have a hard time believing she is gone and I feel like she will be back soon. Often, I come over the grief of losing her all over again when this happens.

I used to hear the phone ring and once truly believed it was Nana phoning because she normally would have. Actually, that reminds me, she was calling a lot more and leaving funny messages. I wish I took more time everyday to make her a priority but my life took over and everyone and everything seemed to be in the way of that.

I feel guilty and angry at myself for wasting the precious time and yet I know I did it a lot on purpose and felt angry with her because I knew I would lose her. I was trying to be cut off emotionally to prepare. And I shouldn't have, because now its too late to love her like I wanted to.

I cried a lot after. I felt nausea and got sick. I felt angry at the world and their stupidity. (So relevant, I know).

The What

I have only ever lost two pets in my life. I loved them so much and the pain was great. But I feel new to this grief thing and I feel like I'm on a roller-coaster ride I can't get off. It has affected my relations and perception in life. I've been more critical and negative now that I've seen a darker side of life. I'm tired of living with people and throwing my life on the back burner. I'm ready to take charge and begin my life with everything I love and the way I like things; clean, organized, pretty and functional. To come and go as I please, not hearing other people's burdens. I can't take the stress of other people's problems. I just can't.

Physical Health

I haven't been able to take care of myself as well these days because I am at the whim of where I am living and what people are doing. I haven't been feeling well at all and look forward in 10 days to a new lifestyle of exercise, nutrition and fun.

Life Goes On without Her

I had other crisis and stresses in my life. I had lots happening when Nana died. Weddings were in full swing, I changed jobs two times, moved five times, and six times soon. I saw a kid get run over with me in the car, bought a new car, my dog died a little while back and not by pretty old age, (shudder) I had a puppy to train but I can't keep him yet as I'm moving in and out of places that do not allow pets. I have Roommate problems, boss problems.

(Somehow in my crazy grief mind I wrote down):

To Fix: bought a condo with Tyler, will share burden of car or sell, had physio, job I am at now is easy and flexible for hours with benefits. Wedding Show to get more weddings.

Religion

I still believe in God. I believe in the after life. I believe nana visits me still, awake or through my dreams.

She softly whispers while I sleep
gently nudging my dreams
kisses linger upon my eyelids
leaving her spirit touching mine
Small moments I am with her
The rest I just miss her

My love for God is unwavering, my dedication to my church is diminishing. During my greatest grief I went after but felt I had to pretend everything was good because I had to be grateful. I had to have praise and worship and an open heart, but I felt none of these things. I dont know when and if I'll go back to church but my love and heightened awareness for God and his creation is always with me.

I would like to do more things that help my spirituality such as more reiki when I'm ready, meditation, prayer, aromatherapy, tai-chi, nature walks.

my personality and her personality

I am quiet and love to please people. I am friendly but have had a lot of anxiety in my life, I am the perfect candidate for not allowing myself to heal.

I have cried over this the most. Nana was such a unique person I miss that feeling of having her around. Her presence was so strong. She drove me crazy at times. She was always so bossy right down to what you were doing, not doing and even about how long your winter coat was, we got along anyway because we would joke together about it. I miss that nagging so much. I miss having to worry about whether my lotion was too smelly for her breathing, even though I wanted to buy the prettiest smelling stuff at the store.

Ha! I miss the way nana would push out her false teeth and rattle her mouth. haha There was always a practical joke up her sleeve.

Despite her health, she always had a good attitude, she appreciated lifes simple pleasures and she never required anything fancy except for a nice new car that she could enjoy the speed in. She was such a good driver, it was so sad to see she wouldn't be able to drive it anymore from passing out at times. Nana used to shuffle on the floor.

Sounds gross, but it was so much apart of her, but she was always spitting up into her kleenex or out of the car window, one of these times, the back window was open too and Dustin (my cousin) was sitting in the backseat and he got a gob of her goo on him. haha Seems like an odd thing to mention, but she always said, if she didn't learn to hack it up, she would have died a long time ago from choking. I could write a book on everything she did and said, I wish it was all there when I need it (her).

Why?

Nana never wanted a funeral, she wanted a party and then to be cremated and have her ashes thrown and spread out on Mount Norquay, the only mountain she could get to the top and enjoy the breathtaking view because she was not fortunate like most of us to hike one.

It was beautiful and we went back on her one year heavenly birthday and I was able to contemplate the arduous year without her.

"Walking with a friend in the dark is better than walking alone in the light." Helen Keller

Maybe I am isolating myself from my aunts, mom and family. Maybe I've designed their love for each other to seem like an impenetrable wall with the one way door where they invite me in occasionally. Shortly after nana's death, they left me to my own devices, and no wonder, I looked like a strong, smiling robot who dealt with everything perfectly and didn't need help from anyone. I created the need to be their sister to deserve love from them, but I can never be that, which makes it impossible to ever deserve love.

Why?

My whole life I worried about losing my nana. She has always been sick, so despite her not even making age 59, it was expected. But we never really knew when it could happen, it could be 2 months, 2 years, 5 years, there was always this anxiousness in my heart, but years had gone by and I hoped somehow more years would go by. The last time I did Reiki on her I wanted to mourn, cry out loud, rest on her, but I kept it all in to be strong for her. So we laughed like we used to when I did Reiki on her regularly. I felt I had failed her, I couldn't fix her. This is why I originally had to stop reiki altogether. I was upset, angry it couldn't fix something I so badly wanted. even though I knew with my mind that it could not fix something like that. I felt responsible she didn't live longer because while she was still alive, I couldn't and wouldn't give her any more healing sessions. So that last time I had given her one it was closure and I knew it, but I didn't like the results. I didn't give her a chance and even if I couldn't fix her, i realize now that it was the time spent with her that mattered most. I should have continued.

One of the last times I saw her, Amy and I were driving and she suggested to see her, thank God. and I think the last last time, I was in the area and dropped by unannounced, I had to see her, I felt desperate, shortly after, I went to Winnipeg for an Indian Wedding and she died while I was there. I was helpless, I sent her Reiki before she passed away from Winnipeg, I knew she would die that night, so when I woke up hours later, she had and I lost everything.

Our Relationship

My nana for the largest part of my life was like a mother, a friend, a sister, a provider, a guardian. We had a unique relationship, we fought a few times, but we mostly got along. She was that person I told everything to, she was more neutral than a mother could be, more knowledgeable than a friend. She always seemed to have time to listen and she gave good advice. She was always there for me spiritually and emotionally. She made life less serious for me too. She lightened me up. Most of all, I miss telling her everything. She helped me make sense out of everything in this crazy world. She always cared for me, through food, talking, laughing, cooking, baking. I learned a lot, even though I resisted just as much.

I wish I could have told her how much I would miss her when she was gone. I wish I had let her see how wounded I was by her illness, maybe she would have had some advice for me. I miss everything about her, I miss what we did together, I miss the restaurants, the movies, the driving around, going to the bank, the mall, Zellers to look at the candy and talk about the best brands, the prices (I have a distinct memory of her farting in Zellers and blaming me in public!). I remember learning how to make egg salad sandwiches. I miss how she loved buying things for everyone, her toys, her house, her bed, her couch, her tv, everything about when we lived together, strawberries, grocery stores, yogourt bars, talking about the family from her perspective, listening to music together, going to Dairy Queen (she always got a small Strawberry sundae while I'd be gorging myself on a parfait or blizzard). she LOVED mustard and put it on everything, and she made the best lemon tarts. She also loved tomatoes! cherry tomatoes, regular tomatoes, canned tomatoes, tomato soup, ketchup on her toast! haha

I remember the way she smacked her lips when she tasted something good, her socks rolled down half way, her hair, her stare, her breathing, her smell, her height, her soft soft cheeks.

Grief is in my life

Yes. Its hard to think that grief and loss can be integrated into ones life, the idea of never having it sounds awesome but its making me who I am today. I will never forget her if I can do this.

~

Reaching Out:

I used to feel I could count on my family when my nana was around. We automatically gravitated to her like a beacon of light in the dark. But this light was taken away and all I could see was the darkness. I was truly alone. I felt like an outsider to my mom and aunts because they seemed to be still so tightly knit together, united in their grief for my nana. They had the greatest bond, sisterhood, and I could never be that with them, their blood sister. My connection to my nana was a lot like that though, that pure woman to woman bond without judgement or interference of a dominating role. My nana was pushy and opinionated but she truly valued me as a woman on a path in my own life. My mom and aunts have that with each other and I can't help but feel they have a greater right to their grief because they lost their mom! but I know that what I had with nana was truly special too and I had lived with her for 6 years, we created something so special I just want that bond to be validated and nana is not here to do that. Nana has always been there for me. I miss her and wish I could share this, but everyone feels so far away.

Remembering

To remember my nana is easy for me. I enjoy it so much, yes, my heart swells, my heart races and my eyes well but it is joyful too. My nana was such a happy person who truly enjoyed life. She loved the simple things. She was always laughing, making practical jokes and saying the strangest sayings that I find naturally bubble out of my mouth forcing me to smile in remembrance, reminding me she lives on through me.

Chocolate Cake, oh she loved chocolate cake, especially the triple chocolate cake from Cheesecake Cafe. And Shrimp was her favorite. We used to eat it together all the time, with butter and lemon pepper. Nana's laugh was always a cackle, so distinctive I can hear it when I think of it. I wish I could record this audible memory as I'm afraid as time goes by I'll slowly forget.

My nana was so special. I loved driving in the car with her listening to music, usually oldies, celine Dion, Enrique Iglesias. Last time we drove around I brought my own CD, it was still in her car after she died.

I still remember when I found out she died, I didn't want to believe, It was so hard, I was throwing up and my mom said to let it out, she felt like doing the same. I've never seen my mom so upset. I wish nana didn't have to die.

**** About to vent about my grandfather

I wish my grandfather/good friend wasn't such an alsdkfj mental alskdjf ...I wish he didn't hurt her and break her heart, I wish he wasn't trying to hurt us too. I hate him so much and its not fair because I used to love him so much, he used to love me, and now I think he's incapable of love. He has left this world mentally and I dont know how to grieve him because he is still alive. I wish he didn't abandon me and not finish teaching me what I need to know. I wish I didn't hate him. I lost both of them.

Despite him, she was strong through it all. She was a woman after all, not just my nana and she had a broken heart, but she had hope and joy and despite the odds against her with her health and happiness in love, she continued to make a difference in someones life everyday. She still makes a difference in mine today.

Loss

Loss? Yes, I lost so many things other than the physical presence of my Nana. I definitely went through and still am going through things such as the loss of self, personality, confidence, emotional security, life style, hopes and dreams, reason for living, JOY, I definitely lost joy and who I was. I was always joyful and happy before she died. I am no longer who I was before when she was alive. I am very different and only lately do I feel joy, and hope. I am developing a new sense of identity, I am building.

Misconceptions

I too thought there were certain steps to go through when grieving. I didn't understand all what I was thinking and feeling right after I lost my living nana. It made sense for me to put it in a certain process that was "normal". I felt I was allowed to grieve for a few weeks but was expected to suck it up quickly. I had seen people be praised for how strong they were when they acted like nothing had happened. My gut thought they shouldn't do that but my head reasoned it and accepted it, I wanted to be strong and I've always wanted to please people and pretend I was okay so as not to bother them.

Expressing Myself

I had a lot of grief for my nana, Phyllis Jean Chase (Trail) but I was not mourning and that made me feel crazy, permanently depressed without any joy or hope for the future. My life had no meaning and I came to a pathetic stop. I had so much pain in my body too and it wasn't until I went to Edmonton to see my aunty Sherry that I realized I wasn't dealing with my grief at all! She read to me Dr. Wolfelt's book and that spoke to me. She also talked to me and encouraged me to express myself and validate what I was feeling and thinking. It was at that point a little spark of hope and light and actual feelings emerged. I had felt nothing but anger at everything in my life and everyone, numbness and only tears at moments I couldn't take anymore. The feeling of that small itty bit of hope changed everything for me and the way I perceived my new world without her. Finally, I even felt closer to my nana because I allowed myself to feel again.

The Reason I created this blog

For one, I was inspired by my Aunty Sherry with her blog, http://sherspassion-letterstomymom.blogspot.com/

I found reading her blog extremely helpful and I hope to offer the same help to others who have lost someone special in their life. I'm not the best at writing but I'm certainly honest and perhaps someone, even if its just one person will relate to my stories and understand themselves just a little more.

And I think another part of me underneath the practical reasons is to reach out to her somehow.