Allowing Love Back Into My Life...without her

I am pretty sure I held onto a dysfunctional relationship for so long for a couple of reasons. One, I was too busy grieving. Two, I was afraid to change my life without her around. I wanted everything to stay the same for her. Quite frankly, I was addicted to the sadness, anger, numbness, lack of love, lost sense of self in this relationship because I wasn't ready to move on and live my life to the fullest if nana was not there to share it with me. She left me in this world when I was in this relationship probably hoping that it would work and I was going to make sure that happened for her even if it wasn't for me anymore. I didn't matter anyway. This relationship helped to fuel all the grief I felt for her. I also know that I am a very loyal, stubborn person who likes to prove people wrong, apparently even at the cost of my own heart. This is very hypocritical because I say I'm honest, genuine, but then the way I lived my life, it was a lie, I was lying to myself. I didn't want anyone to see that I was doing this, so I shut as many people out of my life as I could. I was ashamed and I didn't want to get caught in my lie because then I would have to face it and I wasn't ready to face it.

I had my moments though, when I went for walks alone with my dog. One moment in particular, I asked for her opinion. I asked her if she thought I was staying in the relationship for her. The wind picked up at that moment with such force and I felt so moved. and as quickly as the wind picked up, it died. I do believe in messages.

After that, I started praying the rosary. I prayed it everyday for at least a half hour to an hour. I prayed it with so much energy, so much hope to find a sign, a path to the life God wanted me to lead. I didn't care what that life was, I could be a nun, or stay in the relationship, if I had his stamp of approval on it, I would live without the uncertainty that something else out there was better.

I was surprised though by his answer. after a month of praying, I felt a shift in my heart. and I was scared. I knew the answer, but I was so afraid. I knew I must leave the relationship, leave everything and that was not what I was expecting to hear, since this relationship took my blood, sweat and tears and years of my energy and years off my life. I took solace that I was leaving to work on myself. Something I had never done before and with the purpose of helping myself and no one else for once.

During this time of prayer, I was suddenly in desperate need of an assistant for a wedding. Nobody could do it. I literally called 30 people. I finally got the nerve to call up someone I had met a couple years before in physiotherapy. I didn't want to call him though because I felt a connection to him and I did not want to bring anything else into my life at that moment. but after 30 tries with other people, I caved. I called him. He was available.

When he showed up at the park to help me shoot the wedding, the world stopped for a moment and something significant passed between he and I. Of course, I denied it. I'm the worlds biggest liar to myself. but when I talked to my mother the next week on skype, I started crying for 2 hours wondering how some guy can literally walk into my life and shake it like that. However, I continued on and focused on myself. but what I realized that day was that perhaps there is more in store for me, that I do deserve and can have great things too.

I do not need to go into detail about what happened between he and I...but along the way, I fell in love. I had a smile on my face again. I was actually loved back too, for who I truly was. I found someone who was a kindred spirit, a kind face with an amazing heart, someone who loved and cherished his family and close friends, someone who has as much thirst for adventure as I do, if not more, someone I can dance with anywhere. I am no longer addicted to sadness and know that my nana would approve of this change, as my family so openly has, she wants me to be happy, and I need to live my life for me now. It is only through this purpose that I can be of any service to others. To have the open heart, the open arms to have people in my life again. To finally DO the things I love once again and live in each moment. Love really does conquer all.