Time

How were you okay with the little amount of time you had here on earth? I feel like everyday I am begging the universe to slow down so I can enjoy it a little more. To breath in and out. I find every week goes by in the blink of an eye and yet every week I am shown evidence of time passing by the dust on everything and the need to vacuum, clean, purge and tidy. I seem to be in battle with time always these days. 62 days left before a part of me is in Nepal, Bangladesh and India and oh for so long. So I tell myself, enjoy these days...no pressure, don't think of tomorrow, think of today and then a week goes by and I feel like slapping myself for letting little things be big and missing the whole point. but then I try to remember how lucky I am to have this part of me at all and the only way to truly have something is to let it go and be kind to yourself. I am also learning to be honest, not the kind of honest where you don't tell lies, I've always known that. I don't have to be strong all the time and I can show what I'm really feeling, because lets face it, I'm a terrible actress unless I'm acting the part of "open book" and the content of this book can be what ever it is in whichever moment in time.
So how did you do it nana? When I had you to ask questions, I was too young, too invincible and completely unaware of "time" passing at all. I just had the moment in December where I realized that one day I would be dead....DEAD! like not the dead we see on t.v or read in books, where we close that book or turn off the t.v and continue...DEAD...finito...DEAD. no more me. You'd think I'd be more like you and laugh and love and stop this battle with time...but no, I panic. like, go to the doctor and tell them, my chest has been heavy for 2 weeks, I can't breath and I do not know whats wrong with me kind of panic. So we go snowboarding and play in the mountains together at his parents place and I forget about death and just live and breath, in and out and life continues, happily, because I am happy...and not the kind you see on t.v or read in books because I'm living it, and I'm overflowing with joy and love and everything I've always done my whole life except this past year has been with the One we're supposed to find when we find ourselves, and the mornings are filled with a quiet warmth. He reminds me that there must be something out there after we're "gone"...love is not on the periodic table, its infinite.

Creating my own space

Nana,

Well, I finally have a space of my own. I've designated the largest room for the loves of my life. Painting, drawing, photography, music. Its my inspiration and creation room. I can't wait to see what happens. but first, I must get everything sorted, and to be honest, it is a daunting process. what seems like a few boxes are actually boxes I've been putting off looking through for years...what to keep what to chuck. plus how am I going to organize what I do plan to keep?
I've also discovered I have some dreams I need not be afraid to achieve. This year has been such a process. Definitely it has been for the better! As uncomfortable as it sometimes has been, I'm growing.

I love you,

Vitalia

Allowing Love Back Into My Life...without her

I am pretty sure I held onto a dysfunctional relationship for so long for a couple of reasons. One, I was too busy grieving. Two, I was afraid to change my life without her around. I wanted everything to stay the same for her. Quite frankly, I was addicted to the sadness, anger, numbness, lack of love, lost sense of self in this relationship because I wasn't ready to move on and live my life to the fullest if nana was not there to share it with me. She left me in this world when I was in this relationship probably hoping that it would work and I was going to make sure that happened for her even if it wasn't for me anymore. I didn't matter anyway. This relationship helped to fuel all the grief I felt for her. I also know that I am a very loyal, stubborn person who likes to prove people wrong, apparently even at the cost of my own heart. This is very hypocritical because I say I'm honest, genuine, but then the way I lived my life, it was a lie, I was lying to myself. I didn't want anyone to see that I was doing this, so I shut as many people out of my life as I could. I was ashamed and I didn't want to get caught in my lie because then I would have to face it and I wasn't ready to face it.

I had my moments though, when I went for walks alone with my dog. One moment in particular, I asked for her opinion. I asked her if she thought I was staying in the relationship for her. The wind picked up at that moment with such force and I felt so moved. and as quickly as the wind picked up, it died. I do believe in messages.

After that, I started praying the rosary. I prayed it everyday for at least a half hour to an hour. I prayed it with so much energy, so much hope to find a sign, a path to the life God wanted me to lead. I didn't care what that life was, I could be a nun, or stay in the relationship, if I had his stamp of approval on it, I would live without the uncertainty that something else out there was better.

I was surprised though by his answer. after a month of praying, I felt a shift in my heart. and I was scared. I knew the answer, but I was so afraid. I knew I must leave the relationship, leave everything and that was not what I was expecting to hear, since this relationship took my blood, sweat and tears and years of my energy and years off my life. I took solace that I was leaving to work on myself. Something I had never done before and with the purpose of helping myself and no one else for once.

During this time of prayer, I was suddenly in desperate need of an assistant for a wedding. Nobody could do it. I literally called 30 people. I finally got the nerve to call up someone I had met a couple years before in physiotherapy. I didn't want to call him though because I felt a connection to him and I did not want to bring anything else into my life at that moment. but after 30 tries with other people, I caved. I called him. He was available.

When he showed up at the park to help me shoot the wedding, the world stopped for a moment and something significant passed between he and I. Of course, I denied it. I'm the worlds biggest liar to myself. but when I talked to my mother the next week on skype, I started crying for 2 hours wondering how some guy can literally walk into my life and shake it like that. However, I continued on and focused on myself. but what I realized that day was that perhaps there is more in store for me, that I do deserve and can have great things too.

I do not need to go into detail about what happened between he and I...but along the way, I fell in love. I had a smile on my face again. I was actually loved back too, for who I truly was. I found someone who was a kindred spirit, a kind face with an amazing heart, someone who loved and cherished his family and close friends, someone who has as much thirst for adventure as I do, if not more, someone I can dance with anywhere. I am no longer addicted to sadness and know that my nana would approve of this change, as my family so openly has, she wants me to be happy, and I need to live my life for me now. It is only through this purpose that I can be of any service to others. To have the open heart, the open arms to have people in my life again. To finally DO the things I love once again and live in each moment. Love really does conquer all.

Telling The Story

I started journaling my grief July 14, 2007. I have posted everything I wrote in the raw form, although I omitted some viscous venting for your sake. It is not poetic, and it is not grammatically correct and often when I read it, the thoughts are so disjointed, random, but that is my grief. It is not pretty or in perfect form or all that powerful really, perhaps it doesn't even belong on a public blog and I still debate with myself whether or not I should have left the words on the yellow blotchy notepad as they were, private. But something compelled me to speak these words out loud and I no longer hesitate in my life. Life is too short for hesitation and if I am compelled by something (I believe this power is from God, the Universe) than I should not live in fear, but take the leap because you never know where it is going to take you and that is a good thing. Life SHOULD be an adventure and if you have people to share that adventure with, all the better. Cherish them always. Love them with all of your heart, do not hesitate to do this even when you feel vulnerable as if you could just break with the love of them and the fear of losing them, love them anyway.

Mood changes

This journey is smooth at one moment and rocky the next. I feel often that I'm regressing rather than progressing, but working through this is actually bringing more emotions back. I am now learning and realizing what is happening, I am letting myself release.

Self-Focus and Roommates

I had a roommate scream at me and accuse me of being selfish. My whole life I have given, I always gave myself up. I was the do-gooder, the peace-maker. She moved in with me right after my nana died. I wasn't this selfish person, I was still the do-gooder but this time, I resented it. I resented my roommates for needing me. I didn't want to provide for them, care for them, clean for them and buy things for them anymore. I made this VERY clear and they hated me for it, so I moved out, and my last day there, one of them yelled, "YOU ARE SELFISH" and that hurt me so bad because I am not. I needed them and I needed to be taken care of so I could focus inward, but that opportunity never came and I became obsessed with being angry and creating schedules and divvying up responsibility because I didn't want to do it all. I didn't say, "I AM SAD! HELP ME! I NEED YOU! please take some of the responsibilities because I just can't do it anymore" I wished I opened up this way with them because perhaps they would have had I let them.

I am Not Crazy

I thought I was going crazy, literally, insane! Actually, it wasn't until I truly believed something was wrong with me that I started healing. I finally cried out for help at this moment of insanity, I couldn't take it anymore, I couldn't take not understanding, not knowing who I was, I was sick! Sick of numbness, fatigue, apathy, lost identity, insanity. At this this point I cried but I was suffering in silence, than someone came along, my aunty Sherry with Dr. Wolfelt's book. Finally, some hope and reassurance. A flicker of light.