Relief and Release

My Nana was always sick but she was a rare case. I didn't understand her disease and therefore, I never knew when or how she would die. I never asked, my nana was stubborn and denied her illness, she was living to life's fullest even though this disease, COPD was killing her. I never mourned her dying when she was alive because I didn't really know she would and so, felt if I expressed my sadness to her, I'd lose control and lose the 'living' relationship we had. yes, her body was abused, her oxygen intake was increasing and so many more things. But I thought she would do what she had always done, be stubborn, keep living, keep beating the odds, keep surprising the doctors she was sitting in their office, alive, she was a medical miracle, that meant she should still be here.

Her body failed her in so many ways and so when I went to view her body (she always said she never wanted us to do that, but I just needed to, otherwise, who knows if I'd believe it was true to this day) I knew she was somewhere better, her body wasn't holding her back, I felt her say to me in the room "Finally! I'm free of this STUPID body" But that body had contained her very soul for so long and I was sad to see it was no longer there anymore, that body was not her anymore, the loss of her soul changed everything. This realization of her loss broke me. Yet I felt her relief but loss for me, no relief for me, none. I felt selfish.