Why?

Nana never wanted a funeral, she wanted a party and then to be cremated and have her ashes thrown and spread out on Mount Norquay, the only mountain she could get to the top and enjoy the breathtaking view because she was not fortunate like most of us to hike one.

It was beautiful and we went back on her one year heavenly birthday and I was able to contemplate the arduous year without her.

"Walking with a friend in the dark is better than walking alone in the light." Helen Keller

Maybe I am isolating myself from my aunts, mom and family. Maybe I've designed their love for each other to seem like an impenetrable wall with the one way door where they invite me in occasionally. Shortly after nana's death, they left me to my own devices, and no wonder, I looked like a strong, smiling robot who dealt with everything perfectly and didn't need help from anyone. I created the need to be their sister to deserve love from them, but I can never be that, which makes it impossible to ever deserve love.