Feeling of Loss

I still have a hard time believing she is gone and I feel like she will be back soon. Often, I come over the grief of losing her all over again when this happens.

I used to hear the phone ring and once truly believed it was Nana phoning because she normally would have. Actually, that reminds me, she was calling a lot more and leaving funny messages. I wish I took more time everyday to make her a priority but my life took over and everyone and everything seemed to be in the way of that.

I feel guilty and angry at myself for wasting the precious time and yet I know I did it a lot on purpose and felt angry with her because I knew I would lose her. I was trying to be cut off emotionally to prepare. And I shouldn't have, because now its too late to love her like I wanted to.

I cried a lot after. I felt nausea and got sick. I felt angry at the world and their stupidity. (So relevant, I know).