Life was happening all around me and I couldn't keep up or find a reason to try. In my mind, I knew who I was before and knew what I must do to keep going, but couldn't, just couldn't.
Every time I tried, I failed. I used to love doing self portraits but each time I tried, you could see my fatigue, my loss of youth, vitality, strength was nothing but a muted shadow of the girl I used to be. The loss of who I am was too much to take. My whole life and who I am has changed.
I used to freak out when I drove my old Golf because the constant beeping drove me crazy after she died, I couldn't take the personal harassment my car was making, (I would scream at it but it persisted) it was unjust and so, I traded it in and bought a $40,000 car so that I would have No personal assaults from it. I think I didn't need to do that and now I"m selling it because the payments are too much and I am positive it is a lemon, yet no one will listen to me.
I often have dreams where my nana visits me and I feel her presence when I"m awake, I've even heard her speak to me. One night after dreaming, I felt her wake me up, she was stroking my face and said "with kisses and sunshine, Hugs and Love" I felt so moved.
I've been de-cluttering my life and even gave away some things that were given to me, I can't handle the clutter in my life. I have a few meaningful objects that reminds me of her and those are enough for me. I don't care about the stuff, I just want her back.
I find the more I clean and give away, the more order I can bring to my life.
I've always had anxiety attacks but they have been the worst right now.
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